I am listening to “It’s Not Over” by Daughtry as I write this. It seemed fitting to make this the title for one reason. I realized on Friday (when I was finishing up my “Remake Project”) that I hadn’t posted anything in four months. I made the decision to update everything after that.
I started to remember how much this site meant to me as I took a few hours today to update site information. I ended up reading some of my old posts too. The majority of them made me smile or even laugh out loud. Some of them I almost went back to re-write (for grammatical and word choice reasons) but in the end, I left them.
I probably went over those posts so many times when I wrote them anyways. Some of them I remembered sitting down to write and having it take me 2-3 hours. I simply could not find the words that I wanted to use.
I find myself typing and retyping this post even now. I almost feel out of my element. Then again, perhaps it’s just me being paranoid that I will continue to make mistakes. Do you know that feeling? When you look back on something you have written or drawn and think, “Wow, I hope I have improved since then”. That’s how I feel. Yes, they made me laugh but they also pointed out mistakes that I do not want to carry with me into the next year.
In a metaphorical sense, the posts I wanted to re-write could represent me on my year off versus me now, trying to write this one. I am conscious of the smallest mistakes as I make them. I force myself to correct improper word choices. I re-read my paragraphs to make sure they flow together. More then likely as I do this, I am making mistakes. But hey, no one is perfect.
I just think that going through my old posts reminded me of who I was and also made me aware of who I am now. I have certainly changed. It seems strange to me to see myself change, even just from a writing aspect. It’s like watching the climax of a movie enfold. Except, my climax is going to take a little longer to unfold than the average hour and a half film.
I realize that now.
For so long, I just wanted my life to unfold. I wanted it to come at me like a train a full force. I wanted to be ready. Turns out, being 18 and on a year off means that one of two things can happen. One, you step back and let life unfold as you grow. Two, you run head first into a wall and have to go to recovery before you can get back up on that horse and try again. I did both according to my blog posts.
But this is not the end. I am not giving up here or letting that movie play without me. I am going to throw away my lines and embody who I was meant to be. You know, slowly but surely.
And in the process, I will try to write more blog posts. I will try to keep the memories of my growth alive as I move forward. So that way, one day, I can look back again at all my mistakes in writing and all my attempts at fixing them and decide where I want to go from.
One day, I will look back on this whole site and remember exactly what I started it for. To preserve life’s little moments while showing the world who I really am. To show off the works I am most proud of and to grow with feedback. To give little happy cut takes of my story so the world can share the joy.
I am ready to begin again.
It’s not over.