Day 47 – I know but…

This has been the same statement that I have given anyone that has asked about my research into schooling for the following fall. I have looked into Universities and Colleges for months now, probably since last fall when everyone starting searching for themselves.

I wish I could say it was different. I wish that I knew where I was going or what I wanted from life. It feels like I haven’t tried but I know that I have. I just want to be careful both with my money and with my time. I don’t want to be caught up in something that I don’t like many months into it all.

People tell me I need to start soon just as much as they tell me that I need to take my driving test. I wish I could say that I have spent more time studying for that but the truth is I have no interest in taking a two thousand dollar test when I can walk everywhere I go now. To me at this stage it would be a waste of money, let alone the amount it would cost for me to get a car and pay off the insurance.

I have no use for it. The truth is though I have a use for going back to school. I just don’t know what I would bother going back for. I want to. But I have no idea what I would want to study that I could force myself to do for the rest of my life.

The good thing is that I have had people tell me that I don’t have to do it for the rest of eternity. I could easily do one thing for five years and then change my major. However, I see this as a great waste of my time too. I don’t want it all to work out perfectly, but I do want to go into something with the utmost confidence that when I am done and I have a job to show for it, that I am happy.

And at this point I would honestly say that nothing that I have looked into would a) get me a job or b) make me happy forever.

So the truth is, I know what I must do but I don’t know when or how.

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