To be clear, there is no specific reason why I started this blog. I am not the type of person who normally exposes their life on social media nor do I wish to in any other format but this one. I wanted to say this though. That I recently realized that there is no need for anything else in life, other than the ones who love you. They are the most important people in your life. I am not just talking about family. I am talking about colleagues, classmates and friends. The one thing you have to remember though is to be careful who you allow yourself to love in return. At least, that’s what I have learned.
I always thought that one day someone would come into my life and tell me that they loved me. Someone who wasn’t family or a friend. That “special someone” so to speak. I used to tell people I didn’t like men (mostly because I was generally surrounded by my brother and father and thought god I will never live with any other men EVER because they are messy and annoying as all hell). In all reality though, what I wanted was for a man to come a sweep me off my feet. One who would tell me that I was beautiful for no apparent reason, to share experiences with me and to hold onto our friendship like nothing else in the world mattered. I still kind of live in that fantasy, hoping that someone (not just a man) will come along and be willing to care about me as much as I would be willing to care about them.
When I was in elementary school, I assumed that girls liked boys and that was that. So, I tried to be “one of the girls” and giggle about a boy I didn’t even like. But I think after a while I started to worry why these boys didn’t like me. I thought maybe I just wasn’t as attractive as the other girls were. I already had some older girls telling me I was a bit bigger and excluding me from things around the school, so this new feeling I was creating in my mind didn’t help.
I brought those feelings with me to high school though and made mistakes that I have long forgiven myself for. I took friendships and created relationships in my head, because I felt that if I didn’t take every single chance given to me to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, then I never would. No one would care about me, if I didn’t risk it all. I know it sounds silly but I was willing to hurt myself emotionally to prove to people that I was attractive. All I have ever really wanted though, were best friends. People I could rely on when I was confused about something, people I could hold hands with for fun and laugh with forever about nothing in particular.
It might sound strange, but all I ever needed in my life was platonic relationships with those closest to me. People who love me all the same but don’t love me for my clothes or my general looks. They love me for who I am and I could not be happier 🙂
Now, this is not to say “relationships are bad”, I am far from saying that. Being in a relationship is a choice that may benefit you as a person. I am only saying that I have come to realize that relationships are not all that they seem and that you need to be able to love yourself for what you are before getting into one. Having people around you who can provide the same support and love without feeling the pressure of a relationship, is exactly what I needed. I loved or thought that I loved a few people, did a little too much to show it and lost them along the way. I am sorry it all had to end the way that it did, but such is life.
As we learn, our families and friends are right there beside us. So the next time you are wondering if you are attractive enough or why you can’t get that “special someone” to notice you, ask yourself this. Why are you trying so hard? Why are you trying to make someone notice you, when they don’t want to? Why aren’t you taking that time to look in the mirror and admire the reflection? Why?
Stop. Life is a long road that we will all be walking for a while. So, enjoy it, with the love of your family and friends to guide you.
P.S. I hope I didn’t offend anyone with the comment about men earlier, I was joking. I love my brother and my father as they are but was trying to make a point. Men, women, third gender, gender-fluid and all other gender identifications can be messy and/or annoying in the opinion of others. Thank you.